Oh. Hello, internet.


The last time we spoke I was less-than-gainfully employed at a reasonably sized bookstore where I ran the receiving and distribution of our inventory, led a small-but-fabulous team of three, and supervised a floor of about thirty-five employees.

Since then, I have experienced unemployment, liquidation, watched my beloved bookstore chain go belly-up (just about.) and started a new position that I really have no business doing and making a boatload of money doing it.

I miss my books, I miss my team, and I miss making shit money doing something I love. I feel like a sell-out.

I can't wait to finish my education degree so I can go back to being broke and fulfilled.

This new surplus of income is allowing me to restring my viola and rehair my bow so I can at least have one of my outlets back. If I can't swim in a sea of literature every day, I should at least be able to make some music.

Though the new job has yet to grow on me, I am lucky enough to be in an office with two fabulous coworkers who make my days a little easier. They both ask me often if I miss being in retail. I don't miss the hours, or the pay so much, but I do miss bookstore people. You know the type. And also, I miss being an asshole. Can't do much of that in Corporate Land.

I'm learning my way around this place. It'll do until I get out of school, at the very least.

This message brought to you by the letter Insomnia.

How are you guys?
As you wish

I have no idea if this is real, but I am so on board with it that it doesn't make a difference.

Last month, Erica Goldson graduated as valedictorian of Coxsackie-Athens High School. Instead of using her graduation speech to celebrate the triumph of her victory, the school, and the teachers that made it happen, she channeled her inner Ivan Illich and de-constructed the logic of a valedictorian and the whole educational system.

Erica originally posted her full speech on Sign of the Times, and without need for editing or cutting, here's the speech in its entirety:

Here I stand

There is a story of a young, but earnest Zen student who approached his teacher, and asked the Master, "If I work very hard and diligently, how long will it take for me to find Zen? The Master thought about this, then replied, "Ten years . ." The student then said, "But what if I work very, very hard and really apply myself to learn fast -- How long then?" Replied the Master, "Well, twenty years." "But, if I really, really work at it, how long then?" asked the student. "Thirty years," replied the Master. "But, I do not understand," said the disappointed student. "At each time that I say I will work harder, you say it will take me longer. Why do you say that?" Replied the Master, "When you have one eye on the goal, you only have one eye on the path."

This is the dilemma I've faced within the American education system. We are so focused on a goal, whether it be passing a test, or graduating as first in the class. However, in this way, we do not really learn. We do whatever it takes to achieve our original objective.

Some of you may be thinking, "Well, if you pass a test, or become valedictorian, didn't you learn something? Well, yes, you learned something, but not all that you could have. Perhaps, you only learned how to memorize names, places, and dates to later on forget in order to clear your mind for the next test. School is not all that it can be. Right now, it is a place for most people to determine that their goal is to get out as soon as possible.

I am now accomplishing that goal. I am graduating. I should look at this as a positive experience, especially being at the top of my class. However, in retrospect, I cannot say that I am any more intelligent than my peers. I can attest that I am only the best at doing what I am told and working the system. Yet, here I stand, and I am supposed to be proud that I have completed this period of indoctrination. I will leave in the fall to go on to the next phase expected of me, in order to receive a paper document that certifies that I am capable of work. But I contest that I am a human being, a thinker, an adventurer - not a worker. A worker is someone who is trapped within repetition - a slave of the system set up before him. But now, I have successfully shown that I was the best slave. I did what I was told to the extreme. While others sat in class and doodled to later become great artists, I sat in class to take notes and become a great test-taker. While others would come to class without their homework done because they were reading about an interest of theirs, I never missed an assignment. While others were creating music and writing lyrics, I decided to do extra credit, even though I never needed it. So, I wonder, why did I even want this position? Sure, I earned it, but what will come of it? When I leave educational institutionalism, will I be successful or forever lost? I have no clue about what I want to do with my life; I have no interests because I saw every subject of study as work, and I excelled at every subject just for the purpose of excelling, not learning. And quite frankly, now I'm scared.

John Taylor Gatto, a retired school teacher and activist critical of compulsory schooling, asserts, "We could encourage the best qualities of youthfulness - curiosity, adventure, resilience, the capacity for surprising insight simply by being more flexible about time, texts, and tests, by introducing kids into truly competent adults, and by giving each student what autonomy he or she needs in order to take a risk every now and then. But we don't do that." Between these cinderblock walls, we are all expected to be the same. We are trained to ace every standardized test, and those who deviate and see light through a different lens are worthless to the scheme of public education, and therefore viewed with contempt.

H. L. Mencken wrote in The American Mercury for April 1924 that the aim of public education is not "to fill the young of the species with knowledge and awaken their intelligence. ... Nothing could be further from the truth. The aim ... is simply to reduce as many individuals as possible to the same safe level, to breed and train a standardized citizenry, to put down dissent and originality. That is its aim in the United States."

To illustrate this idea, doesn't it perturb you to learn about the idea of "critical thinking." Is there really such a thing as "uncritically thinking?" To think is to process information in order to form an opinion. But if we are not critical when processing this information, are we really thinking? Or are we mindlessly accepting other opinions as truth?

This was happening to me, and if it wasn't for the rare occurrence of an avant-garde tenth grade English teacher, Donna Bryan, who allowed me to open my mind and ask questions before accepting textbook doctrine, I would have been doomed. I am now enlightened, but my mind still feels disabled. I must retrain myself and constantly remember how insane this ostensibly sane place really is.

And now here I am in a world guided by fear, a world suppressing the uniqueness that lies inside each of us, a world where we can either acquiesce to the inhuman nonsense of corporatism and materialism or insist on change. We are not enlivened by an educational system that clandestinely sets us up for jobs that could be automated, for work that need not be done, for enslavement without fervency for meaningful achievement. We have no choices in life when money is our motivational force. Our motivational force ought to be passion, but this is lost from the moment we step into a system that trains us, rather than inspires us.

We are more than robotic bookshelves, conditioned to blurt out facts we were taught in school. We are all very special, every human on this planet is so special, so aren't we all deserving of something better, of using our minds for innovation, rather than memorization, for creativity, rather than futile activity, for rumination rather than stagnation? We are not here to get a degree, to then get a job, so we can consume industry-approved placation after placation. There is more, and more still.

The saddest part is that the majority of students don't have the opportunity to reflect as I did. The majority of students are put through the same brainwashing techniques in order to create a complacent labor force working in the interests of large corporations and secretive government, and worst of all, they are completely unaware of it. I will never be able to turn back these 18 years. I can't run away to another country with an education system meant to enlighten rather than condition. This part of my life is over, and I want to make sure that no other child will have his or her potential suppressed by powers meant to exploit and control. We are human beings. We are thinkers, dreamers, explorers, artists, writers, engineers. We are anything we want to be - but only if we have an educational system that supports us rather than holds us down. A tree can grow, but only if its roots are given a healthy foundation.

For those of you out there that must continue to sit in desks and yield to the authoritarian ideologies of instructors, do not be disheartened. You still have the opportunity to stand up, ask questions, be critical, and create your own perspective. Demand a setting that will provide you with intellectual capabilities that allow you to expand your mind instead of directing it. Demand that you be interested in class. Demand that the excuse, "You have to learn this for the test" is not good enough for you. Education is an excellent tool, if used properly, but focus more on learning rather than getting good grades.

For those of you that work within the system that I am condemning, I do not mean to insult; I intend to motivate. You have the power to change the incompetencies of this system. I know that you did not become a teacher or administrator to see your students bored. You cannot accept the authority of the governing bodies that tell you what to teach, how to teach it, and that you will be punished if you do not comply. Our potential is at stake.

For those of you that are now leaving this establishment, I say, do not forget what went on in these classrooms. Do not abandon those that come after you. We are the new future and we are not going to let tradition stand. We will break down the walls of corruption to let a garden of knowledge grow throughout America. Once educated properly, we will have the power to do anything, and best of all, we will only use that power for good, for we will be cultivated and wise. We will not accept anything at face value. We will ask questions, and we will demand truth.

So, here I stand. I am not standing here as valedictorian by myself. I was molded by my environment, by all of my peers who are sitting here watching me. I couldn't have accomplished this without all of you. It was all of you who truly made me the person I am today. It was all of you who were my competition, yet my backbone. In that way, we are all valedictorians.

I am now supposed to say farewell to this institution, those who maintain it, and those who stand with me and behind me, but I hope this farewell is more of a "see you later" when we are all working together to rear a pedagogic movement. But first, let's go get those pieces of paper that tell us that we're smart enough to do so!

(no subject)

Just took my first American Government test.

Wave goodbye to that 4.0 average.

I don't understand why on earth a government class should be required for graduation. I think it's sick and inhumane to not supply alternative social studies topics.

I am endlessly fascinated by the foundations of our government, but I could give a shit about the infinite processes involved in the impeachment of a president who has committed treason. It just isn't relevant to my course of study. If I was a political science major, then by all means - pile that shit on. But I'm an education major. When the fuck am I going to have to describe the process through which an amendment is added to the Constitution?

Half this test was comprised not of the history of the US government, as I had believed it would be, but of short-essay scenarios in which we were required to describe situations like:

Massachusetts state government just passed a law that's unconstitutional. Describe what happens next.

...I don't fucking know.

I am so frustrated with this.

(no subject)

And we start May off with my second Saturday of classes.

Sometimes, I have to stop and remember there's something more to life than my shitty job.

Sad Nikki is Sad.

My Car has rapidly been deteriorating with no mechanically-inclined father to fix it up for me every time something goes wrong. Just a couple of days ago, the radiator fan failed. After taking it in I was pleased to learn that it was fixable... to the tune of $800. For those of you playing the home game: Nikki does not have $800.

So my grandparents are footing the bill after I went to my parents for a handout (which I don't exactly enjoy doing) and they said they didn't have the money either and so my mom went to her mom for a handout and now my car is fixed with the understanding that this car is going to be sold and the money put toward another car that is cheaper to maintain.

It's about 5:30 am now... and I can't sleep because I can't handle the thought of losing My Car. I knew it was going to happen eventually. The car's older than I am, for Pete's sake. I just didn't think it would be now.

You see, I don't have many things that are My Things. I am very attached to the few things that are My Things. I can comfortably fit my list into two lines:

1. My Viola
2. My Car

That's it, folks. That's all that I have to my name. Sure, I love my book collection, but books can be replaced. My bike is a classic, but I've only had it for a year. I haven't had time to associate it with any major events in my past. This car, on the other hand... I've been driving that baby since I was 16. It's been in my family since before that. I learned how to drive in that car, I auto-crossed in that car... Hell, I shelled out more than the car was worth to fix it up after I crashed it. But that's what you do when you hurt a loved one. You do whatever it takes to fix it.

But now, There isn't even a barrel-bottom to be scraped. I can't take care of even the most simple maintenance procedures.

I knew I couldn't drive this car forever. I knew I'd have to get a new car eventually... but I liked thinking that I would drive My Car until it just got too old and rickety and then I would put it down like you would the family dog and be sad about it, but remember what a good life it had. I didn't think I'd have to give it up because I'm too broke to keep it alive.

It's going to be very rough on me, seeing someone else drive My Car away.


I missed out yesterday, so I'm doing the comic-an-hour thing today instead.

Here's what I have so far!
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More will be available for your viewing pleasure once I return from the college visit. Weee.
Hippy to the Dippy


This is my first time coloring my hair out of a box. We'll see if I fuck it up terribly, but if I don't, there's $150 I don't have to spend anymore. If I do... I am going to be out $160 with the cost of the over-the-counter-color. But hey... it's worth a shot.

I also used my Christmas monies to afford me some new reading material. On the table right now:
The Casebook of Victor Frankenstein - Peter Ackroyd
Drood - Dan Simmons
A Reliable Wife - Robert Goolrick

Reliable Wife is the balls-out-sell-this book of the month at Schmorders now. A lot of the books they make us push are a real miss (Chuck Norris vs. Mr. T, anyone?), but this one looks really freakin' cool. Well done, Schmorders.